The Truth About Older Men Love Dating Younger Women

This montwomenoldermenh Austin-based profressional matchamker and relationship expert Julia McCurley weighs in on what we all see among the wealthy: younger women attracted to older men. Long a staple in many cultures, McCurley examines the basis of how it really works.

The first thought that comes to many women’s minds when they think of older men dating younger women is that men might only be interested in eye candy and in perpetuating the illusion of their own youth. For some men, this may be true, yet I have found that the attraction is a little more complicated than that.

Older men love dating younger women because of three primary reasons.

1. Younger women may be more sexually attractive to them.

2, Younger women help older men feel more youthful.

3. Younger women idolize older men and do not call them on their issues like an older woman might.

These are all the stereotypical reasons that come to mind to some people think older men love to date younger woman. According to famed psycholigist Abraham Maslow, there are five basic human needs experienced to varying degrees by all of us. However, some of us have higher needs than others genetically at different developmental stages in our lives. Here is some food for thought in regards to that.

First is the survival need, which encompasses the need to stay alive with food, clothing and shelter but it also includes the psychological needs to feel safe and secure. Younger women are often looking for a sense of security that an older man can provide. Older men love dating younger women because the level of security they can offer a younger woman satisfies her in ways it might not an older partner he might seek.

The next need is connection. We all have a need to be connected to other people. Some of us need that more than others. This is a need that is different for men and women at different stages in their lives. Young adult women typically have a larger need for connection. While they will create careers, their main focus is their relationship and creating a family. Young adult men, on the other hand, are most focused on the need for significance. They have relationships and start families but their primary focus is figuring out a way to make it in the world. In young adult relationships, these needs are often in conflict, as the woman wants more intimacy and quality time and the younger man is instead focused on work and building his career.

The next need is freedom. People with high freedom needs do best in relationships with someone else who also possesses a high freedom need. Another reason older men love dating youger women is because even though she is focused on connection, she might be willing to allow an older man freedom in exchange for the security and the attention he gives her when they are together. This ofte creates a win/win arrangement for both.

The fourth need is fun. A younger woman still has a keen sense of energetic fun whereas an older woman may have transitioned into meeting her fun need with her children or having a quieter kind of fun. This younger, energetic kind of fun is attractive to an older man who may be feeling his mortality and seeking a bit more fun than he’s had in his past relationships.

Older men date younger women for many reasons. Some of the relationships last, some don’t. Here’s why.

1. Fantasy love fades. Usually within a year. At first, the older man is in love with her looks and youthful spirit. Eventually, he realizes all they have in common is a roof over their heads, and he’ll be off to look for a relationship with substance he might not thought he found with a younger woman.

2. Older men may say they feel younger, but dating younger women won’t make them younger. No matter how hard older men try to make the wrinkles disappear, the darn things keep showing up in the mirror.

3. Older men and younger women utilize each other, similar to a business arrangement. He has money, assets, power, and security; she has youth and beauty. If the money runs out, or someone richer comes along, she may break the lease, leaving him with an empty wallet and his arms around a tree trying to survive the storm the relationship may have created.

4. OK, maybe she’s not using him. Perhaps she loves him because he’s more patient, laid back, mature, gentle, and understanding than men her age. Still, she’s likely considered his financial attribute at some point. Rarely do I see younger women with destitute older men. Do you?

What matters most to all people is love, no matter what the age or circumstance. With more love in your life, there will be more life in your love.

5 Considerations for older men younger women dating

timthumbA middle-aged man dating a much younger woman has long been thought of in American culture as a classic sign of midlife crisis. In some circles, dating a younger woman is a status symbol. Men aren’t the only ones who date younger people, though, and the archetype of the “cougar”—an older woman dating a younger man—is rapidly becoming a part of the public consciousness. Same-sex couples sometimes feature a significant age gap as well.

Although comedians joke about these relationships, a significant age difference doesn’t make a relationship any less real or meaningful, though it may create some challenges that don’t exist when romantic partners are close in age. Navigating the social ramifications of your relationship while struggling with generation gaps can be tough, but a significant age difference can give you the chance to consider new perspectives and appreciate the offerings of a different generation.

Know When the Difference Is Too Large
Love can be fickle, and we don’t always fall for the right people. Sometimes a significant age gap makes a relationship impossible. No matter how real your feelings are, getting involved with someone under the age of 18 can lead to serious legal trouble.

Even if you’re legally in the clear, a large age difference can undermine the long-term viability of your relationship. If you want to have children, you’ll have to consider whether fertility will be an issue and whether you or your partner will be around long enough to help raise your kids. Age differences can also mean significant differences in lifestyle. If you have an established career but your partner is still living with his or her parents, you could be in for a rocky ride.

Understand Your Reasons
Before you begin a relationship with someone much younger or older than you, it’s important to make a careful assessment of your motivations. Love knows no age, but if you date only people who are members of a different generation, it might reveal something about your approach to relationships. While people who date only people much younger or older than them owe no one an explanation, it may be helpful to consider underlying reasoning. Some who date only much older people may be seeking a parental figure more than a romantic partner. They may be insecure about finances and thus want to be with someone established in his or her career. If you have a history of dating people who are significantly younger than you, maybe you like feeling like your partner admires your experience, or perhaps you’re just not physically attracted to other people your age. A significant age difference doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong, but a long-standing pattern is always worth examining.

Be Prepared to Handle Generational Differences
No matter how understanding you are, it’s likely that you’re going to bump up against some generational differences. You might have different political views, find each other’s music obnoxious, or have no understanding of historical events that profoundly influenced your partner’s life. Bridge this difference by probing deeper and making a concerted effort to understand your partner’s viewpoint. A big age difference provides you with valuable opportunities to learn about alternative perspectives and experiences.

Know How to Handle Criticism
The odds are good that some people are going to disagree with your choices in romantic partners, no matter how perfect your relationship is. With close friends and family, this may mean making an effort to explain why you’re in love with the person and not with his or her age. But be prepared for snide, inconsiderate remarks. Getting into constant arguments about your partner’s age is no way to live, so plan a simple—and ideally polite—response that shuts down further discussions of your partner’s age.

Don’t Harp on Age Differences
Although age differences can create some challenges in your relationship, focusing too much on age can backfire. While you need to be understanding of generational differences, attributing every disagreement to your partner’s age can leave you both feeling self-conscious and misunderstood. If you frequently tell your partner his or her age doesn’t matter, your partner might end up feeling like age is a significant issue, or even that you’re in the relationship specifically because of the age difference. Don’t let age dominate your relationship, and address it only when it is truly relevant.